I'd like to apologize for my last column on "Halo 3" multiplayer. I was a good player, but not excellent and my advice rang hollow due to my middling skill level. Modern Warfare 2 is another story as I prefer the more realistic combat and have greatly succeeded using these handy tactics. If you're one of the million plus playing this game, I'm here to help. Trust me, this time I can assist you and help you become the eradicator you've been aspiring to be.

1) Always aim down your sights whenever possible.
This is perhaps the biggest mistake I witness players making and I've scored many kills due to this gaffe. Every map is teeming with hostiles and you're never more than a few seconds away from bumping into someone ready to pop your dome like Gallagher with a watermelon. If you're scooting around a corner, or even moving in general, aiming down prepares you for headshots (or my personal favorite with skanks in real life, body shots) and you'll be thankful you're ready when some noob comes bounding down a tight bend.

2) The Marathon perk, the Light Weight perk and the Commando perk (with a tactical knife) will earn you plenty of kills.
Perhaps the most unrealistic yet deviously satisfying tactic is with the above mentioned load out. Both Favela and Rust are the ideal maps for this combo and racking up 20 plus kills is a very real possibility. Basically you're running faster than Usain Bolt on uppers, cannot be hurt falling from ridiculous heights and can strike so fast that enemies cannot pop a shot at you. Sure it's cartoonish in nature, but if you're dominating the kill count, do you really care?

3) Mute annoying teammates.
Nothing annoys and takes away your razor-like focus more than hearing some 9 year old yakking away. First off, this is a mature rated game and their parents should be ashamed that their little one is playing this at all (that's a whole big argument in itself, so I'll leave it alone since this isn't "7 Reasons Most Parents Suck).

Sometimes these little mongrels sing, sometimes they treat you to "super kewl" gun sound effects and sometimes they inform you of disgusting developments in their life (recently I heard one notify our team that his dog had just shown him his red rocket. Yes, this is 100% true). Hit the select button, mute the "tween" and get back to the task at hand.

4) Sniping doesn't have to be "one and done."
One shot, one kills are naturally your goal. Earn enough of these and you'll be scoring a Ghillie suit which increases your stealth considerably (and makes you look like a shorter version of Harry from "Harry and the Hendersons"). But let's say you missed your head shot and as you've no doubt experienced, this happens more times than not, all is not lost. Provided you haven't selected the bolt action sniper rifle, you have the ability to keep drilling your target more effectively than Ron Jeremy. Keep squeezing off shots and you'll most likely still down your foe. Also don't forget to change your position post shot (again like Ron Jeremy). Provided your adversary decides to study the "kill cam," he now knows where you camped out and he'll be anxious to come find you for the points plus the payback bonus.

5) Cold blooded is "super freaky, yow."
Trust me, you need this perk. Enemies won't be able to identify you on their heartbeat monitors, aerial vehicles will ignore you, sentry guns treat you like a redheaded stepchild and, provided you have the "pro version" of this perk, your enemies won't be able to immediately identify you. Fellow combatants (especially newer players) rely heavily on the red dots which represent you and your brethren. Take away that crutch, and then freak them out as you move in for easy stealth kills. This perk when also combined with the sniper class, makes for an incredibly deadly combo (much like value meals at McDonalds and shoppers at Lane Bryant).

6) Shoot em' down.
Attack choppers and harriers can turn your teams' point advantage into a gaping deficit quicker than Adam Lambert applying eye liner. First off, most players are complete idiots who think they can outrun these airborne terrors (oh, and I love the ones who think their Uzi can dent them). Hiding indoors from these beasts is the only option when both your primary and secondary weapons are guns. Incidentally, most players refrain carrying a launcher because they cling to their non-launcher secondary weapon like a newborn to Mommy.

You, however, will not be so imbecilic and will make sure you have your stinger launcher at all times. #1 You'll be a hero to your team as you knock down these sky slaughterers. #2 You'll protect your lead because since your doltish crew has no sense. #3 You'll completely frustrate the opposing team member who worked so hard to launch the craft. #4 You'll earn big points for your personal tally (sometimes this is exactly the boost which bumps you up to the next level).

7) Walk away before you destroy your love life.
Addiction is a serious matter. While crack, nicotine, and internet porn are no doubt harder to quit, Modern Warfare 2 will vie for your time in a way you cannot fully understand. I know one guy whose Facebook updates revolve around how he's doing on the game and another who has turned down a blow job from his ridiculously hot girlfriend because he wanted to unlock the holographic scope on his AK-47. Yes, it's that fun and yes, you'll be staying up late into the night because the game creators have deviously set up the proverbial carrot of "unlocks" for you to chase. You'll be hooked in such a way that you'll wonder why your thumbs have cramped up, how the hell you forgot to eat for the last 7 hours and why your bladder is filled to critical mass.

Girlfriends, fiancées, and wives don't understand this compulsion with this game (ok, my girlfriend admitted it's cool, but somehow forgot to green light me ignoring her request for me to join her for dinner, ignoring all social commitments we had planned or, while playing, converse in anything more than monosyllabic grunts -- I was like Helen Keller gripping a plastic controller). Dudes, give the game a rest or you might wind up with nothing more to cuddle than your character's M-16 with the added grenade launcher.