1) 5th Birthday - This was when I discovered how poor my family really was. My parents gave me a small blue cake with yellow frosting that was very hard and even harder to cut into and chew, not to mention horrible in taste. Three months later on a trip to the "little boy's room" I finally figured out that my parents gave me a urinal cake for my birthday. They tried to do the same thing for my 6th birthday too, but that time they at least had the decency to wash it off first.

2) 9th Birthday - My parents had finally landed good jobs and my mom didn't have to hook on the side anymore. Needless to say, I figured I'd receive the greatest birthday presents ever. Unfortunately, my parents decided to be philanthropists this year and gave my presents to the poor with a note that it was from me. It was quite embarrassing to have to go to the homeless shelter to play with my GI Joe and the other toys that the poor kids had received on my behalf.

3) 19th Birthday - This one was partially my fault. I had been slacking off at work for two weeks up to my birthday, under the "birthday euphoria" that we all experience around our birthdays (when we're young at least). Nobody would talk to me at work when my birthday had finally arrived, and I was sure that I was getting some sort of a birthday surprise. It turns out that my surprise was my boss firing me. I did get a birthday card from everybody though, with a pink slip tucked inside.

4) 22nd Birthday - I had started dating Lucy three weeks before my birthday so I really wasn't expecting much from her, especially since we hadn't been intimate yet. Imagine my surprise when she surprised at 6am in the morning in her birthday suit. It was at that moment that I learned that Lucy was a transvestite whose real name was Larry.

5) 24th Birthday - I got hit by a bus and died.

6) 27th Birthday - My friends decided to play a gag on me by using those birthday candles that don't blow out. I thought I had finally blown them out completely when I threw them away. Three hours later, after the fire department had put out the fire and my house was in ashes, I learned that that assumption was incorrect. Strangely enough, the candles stayed ablaze five minutes longer than the rest of the fire.

7) 30th Birthday - My twin brother was in town visiting me for my birthday. I had taken the day off work, but decided to slip into work around 3am to finish a report that'd take about an hour to complete. I took care not to wake my wife, or my brother who was crashing on the living room sofa, as I still wanted my wife to "surprise" me with breakfast in bed later that morning. The only surprise, as it'd turn out, was when I got home at 5am and found my brother screwing my wife. Since then Thanksgiving has never been the same.