Q: My girlfriend's cat hates me (not that he's completely blameless with his opinion). Last month while my girlfriend was out shopping, I was hanging out at her place watching TV on her couch when up creeps her kitty. When I reached down to pet him, I must have scared him because he recoiled and then gave me a quick (yet tremendously) painful nip on my hand. Reacting out of instinct, I swatted him back. Yes, probably harder than I should have in retrospect, but 96% of it was pure instinct. I love animals and would never hurt them, this little sucker just got me hard and deep.

So as you might expect, (I'll change all names to protect the innocent) "Fluffy," has been holding a major grudge against me whenever I come around (hissing, spitting, etc) and my girl cannot figure out why her angel has become such a demon around me. How do I make nice with "Fluffy," and do I dare tell my girl what happened?

A: Greenies: 1) Buy them. 2) Nonchalantly give them to little Fluffy on more than one occasion. Kitty will forget all about that little incident in the hopes that you will always have Greenies in your pocket. 3) Carry said Greenies in your pocket often.

Greenies are like crack for cats and not the way that catnip is crack for cats, because some cats don't like catnip, but in the same way that crack is crack for humans. Fluffy will be your best friend if you are his sole Greenies supplier. He will soon be trying to pawn his favorite scratching post for more Greenies.

And don't bother telling your girl. The Greenies will work but besides that, let's put things in proper perspective, shall we? Say things work out with this chick and you end up marrying her and living happily ever after. Let's also say that your marriage lasts a conservative 30 years of wedded bliss until one of you kicks the bucket. That's a long time! For argument's sake, let's say Fluffy is five years old. He may only be part of the family picture for another 10, 15 years, tops! The potential long-lasting relationship with your girlfriend trumps little Fluffy's relatively short stint as a family member. Your tiff with the feline will not last long if you ply him with the much-loved Greenies and your girlfriend will never be the wiser since cats don't talk, duh.

On a slightly unrelated note (but maybe sort of related), pets are animals. We love them, but really, they're animals, not humans. It's a pet peeve of mine, no pun intended (but funny nonetheless), when people treat their animals like they're human. It sounds like your girl might be one of "those people" since you think she would be really upset if she discovered you had reacted to a bite by hitting her beloved cat. If that's the case, you probably wouldn't want to share my point of view with your love which is; it's a cat, not a kid. I tell you this to ease your mind. Yes, it's unfortunate that Fluffy is so visibly upset with you, but let's not blow it out of proportion. Fluffy is not, and never will be, a person who requires some kind of apology. So rest easy that you will soothe the savage beast with Greenies, your girl need not know and all will be well again.

Q: Is it possible that some women don't have a G spot? My wife and I have done everything under the sun to attempt to "complete the deal for her," but alas, no luck. I've never had any difficulty satisfying women in this way before and apparently, my wife has never had any luck with the "Big O." Is this perhaps a lost cause?

A: Well, I don't know if it's possible not to have a G spot. Some people don't even think it really exists. It's like the Bigfoot of sex. I, for one, believe it's there, but perhaps the nerve endings vary from person to person so that for some it's awesome, incredible, amazing and for other people it's just, meh, so so? I don't know.

The real question I'm pondering is; has your wife never had an orgasm?! Seriously?! You're saying she's "never had any luck with the 'Big O'" so that leads me to believe that she's never cum in any way. If I'm right in assuming that, how about we ditch the obsession with the G spot for a minute, OK?

So many questions flying through my head, so little information in your letter! Can she orgasm on her own? Does ANYTHING work for her? How the heck long have you guys been banging away together with nothing happening on her end? I would seriously have a difficult time marrying someone who I either could not make orgasm or who could not bring me orgasm. How did you guys get around the frustration?

Anyway, I'm really not helping, am I? I give up! My answer, in a nutshell; yes, she probably has a G spot but maybe it just doesn't feel that great for her and please, please, please don't concentrate on finding any special spot on your wife's body until you've figured out at least one thing that DOES work for her. If nothing physically works for her, I can only imagine that she's having difficulty getting herself mentally involved and you guys might want to try something to get her brain thinking sexy thoughts. A little pornography could work! Sexy pictures, dirty talking, starting foreplay long before you're even in the same room together by sending sexy texts or emails... there are lots of fun things people can do to get the mind wandering in all the right places before the hands follow.

Q: My girlfriend, who is admittedly a lover of being waxed, suggested that I take the plunge this weekend. Alas, I get her desire since body hair wise, I'm a combination of Austin Powers and a silver back gorilla, but she did mention the phrase "Brazilian," and there is no way I'm willing to get those tracks of fur ripped to shreds. Am I wrong here? Should I just bite the bullet and do it once to please her?

A: As someone who's tried waxing before, don't do it! It f'ing hurts, seriously! Why does your gal want you to feel that sort of pain? I don't want to sound like a complete wuss, but it was incredibly painful. No lie, I left the salon bleeding and the next day I was literally bruised, red, puffy and covered in scabs. It didn't even look good! It looked absolutely awful and the hair was growing back within the week! I'm warning you, I am VERY biased against waxing. I know there are quite a lot of people who are proponents though. After all, why else would every nail salon in town offer the Brazilian?

Here's a solution that I think is totally painless, is easy to maintain and will make your girl much happier: just a do a little self-manscaping. Buy one of those handy electric razors with the variable lengths and start buzzing away at that forest you've got there. Start at the longest setting and work your way down to the skin. While you're at it, why not shorten everything else? Don't shave it all because chest stubble is way worse than a hairy chest since no girl likes rug burns on her boobs. Hair on guys, generally, is really not a problem for women. It's actually quite soft! As long as it's properly managed so that she doesn't feel like she's rolling around with an extra blanket in her bed, I don't see a problem.

I think you should stand your ground and insist that the torture of having your every hair ripped out by its roots with hot wax is not acceptable. Offer your compromise of regular manscaping. If she's cool, she should at least be willing give it a try!

Q: Why won't women admit defecation? My girlfriend always claims to "have to pee," and then I walk into an "ass furnace," five minutes later when I hit the head. What gives?

A: You should buy her the book, Everybody Poops. It's hilarious! Plus, it looks great in the bathroom! You know, I'm kind of on her side. Really, what do you care what she does in there? Do you need to know if she's changing a tampon as well? Maybe she's got a little feminine itch to take care of with some cream. Do you need to know that too? Hell, she might want to just go in there and get some privacy since you seem to need to know every little thing. My advice: allow the girl to maintain a little mystery for as long as she can. One day, you might miss the old days when you didn't have intimate knowledge of your woman's every bodily function.

I do think that if things got a little stinky in there, it would be kind of her to give a discreet warning that you might want hold off for a few minutes on any bathroom duties. Other than that, she really has no obligation to announce her intent to pee, poo, sleep, puke, eat, read... whatever in the bathroom. I suggest you respect her desire for privacy and enter the bathroom after her with all due caution! And please, try to refrain from embarrassing your ladylike woman with exclamatory remarks regarding any unfortunate stench she may have been unable to contain. Bathrooms are where that's supposed to happen after all!