1) McDonald's is hiring at a higher wage than you currently make.

2) As a resident of Alabama you're arrested for not raping your dog.

3) The charges in #2 are brought by your dog.

4) Your girlfriend rejects your very public marriage proposal, as in the video below.

5) While drunk at a party you have sex with an ugly fat chick, who also happens to be your Aunt.

6) You knocked up your Aunt and are now the cousin of your daughter.

7) Every day at work your boss gives you a swirly, just after he finishes dropping a deuce in the same toilet.