1) Good fortune shines on the gifted and talented. Therefore you will have none.

2) Even though times may seem grim, remember that things will probably get worse.

3) Your destiny is one of countless errors and indescribable rectal pain.

4) Do not fear success since it is reserved for people far more skilled than yourself

5) Your lucky star headed your way! It unfortunately crashed at your house and has crushed your cat.

6) Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. This will not be hard to do since all your friends think you are a douche wad.

7) Remember the golden rule: It's better to kill yourself now than be miserably disappointed later.