Dan Bialek is a stand-up comedian who may or may not love kittens. His work can be seen on NBC's DotComedy.com (which unfortunately is closing down), YouTube and MySpace. For those of you that don't spend all of your time on the internet (I'm sure there's a few out there), then you'll want to make sure to catch one of his stand-up gigs. You can stay up-to-date on everything Bialek at his MySpace page (MySpace.com/DanBialek) or at his blog (DanBialekLovesKittens.com).

Q: Congrats on reaching the #1 ranking of MySpace's top comedians! How did you attain such a prestigious level?

DB: I started making video blogs on YouTube about six months ago. At first they were really long and autobiographical. Then I took a look at the stuff that was on MySpace Comedy and I said, "Hey, I'll make some shorter, funnier videos and see what happens." Eventually people started watching them and they caught on. I have something close to ten million views of my videos so far.

Q: How did you get your start as a stand-up comic?

DB: I started doing standup comedy in Los Angeles a little over five years ago. Like a lot of people who start doing standup in LA, I just went down to the Comedy Store one Sunday afternoon and signed up for the open mic lottery alongside a couple dozen homeless and/or insane people. I got lucky and my name/number got pulled. Then I went up later that night at 7pm (while the sun was still shining outside) and bombed for two and a half minutes in front of two audience members. From there, other open mics every night and eventually worked my way up to doing booked shows, hosting Sunday and Monday nights at the Store and landing paid gigs.

Q: You and Gwen Stephanie both hail from scenic Orange County, CA. If you were designated as the official tour guide, what locations would you guide people to? And does Gwen have better hair than you?

DB: Well, Gwen bleaches and dyes her hair more so mine is probably healthier. But she's super rich so she probably uses shampoo made out of the oils extracted from the hind glands of Malaysian albino ferrets, so it might be a tie.

As far as Orange County goes, ah, I hate to bag on the place that I'm from but it's kind of a nightmare. I know they make it look all glamorous on the The OC, The Real OC and Housewives of the OC but in reality it's just a bunch of malls and strip malls strung together by residential housing tracts and gated communities. Every two miles there's a Starbucks, Baja Fresh, Walgreens, Home Depot, Target and Jamba Juice, over and over and over.

I guess I'd direct people down to Main Street in Huntington Beach. It's a fun place to people watch and observe tattooed wannabe UFC guys taking their stripper girlfriends and pit bulls out for walks and vice-versa. Don't hang out down there after sundown, there's too many meatheads starting fights. It's like just legions of spray-tanned, roided out Lost Boys in giant trucks out looking for trouble.

Q: You're a fairly decent Halo 3 player. Checking up on your gamertag (ikillbabies), we noticed that your first weapon of choice is naturally the assault rifle, but your next designated instrument of destruction is the melee. Any tips on becoming a master of up-close combat?

DB: I'm a big fan of the assault rifle. In most of the maps in the new game there aren't a lot of places where having a weapon like the sniper rifle or duel wielding guns really helps you all that much.

I like to use the assault rifle and grenades to wear down an opponent's shield and then go in for the kill with a melee attack. A lot of the new maps are close-quarters environments so you can drain a third of the assault rifle's clip into an opponent while running or jumping at them and use a bonk over the head to finish them off.

Q: How did your relationship with DotComedy.com come about?

DB: I had a friend named CJ Arabia who I've known for years. She's a writer and used to be a standup comedian and she started working for NBC a couple of years ago as a casting director and talent scout. She started working with DotComedy (owned by NBC/Universal) last year when it launched.

Earlier this year she hired my best friend, Sean Crespo, to work for them making comedy vlogs (video logs). After a couple months they were looking for new vloggers so Crespo recommended me. I sent in a few sample videos (one being the pilot for Dudes In Bed) and I was hired.

Sadly, DotComedy announced they were closing down a couple weeks ago. So at the end of November I'll be out of a job. It's been a fun job where I got to work with my best friend and other really cool people. But, oh well, life goes on.

Q: After an exhaustive 45-second scan over your website, DanBialekLovesKittens.com, we were unable to find any pictures of kittens. Should we assume that you are against kitty porn?

DB: Yeah, the name is sarcastic. I started it a few years ago when I joined MySpace. I noticed that every other person on there had some nonsensical profile name like "Jessica Will Live & Die Forever" or "Donovan Pees Freely" so I changed mine to "DJ Picklefeathers Xtreme" because I thought it was silly. Eventually I got sick of people emailing me asking if I really was a dj and if so where I played gigs.

I'm kind of a sardonic prick who rarely has anything nice to say so I figured I'd change it to "dan bialek loves kittens" which was the opposite of my actual disposition.

Then I started writing a blog and it needed a name so I named it that. And now I'm just kind of stuck with it as my online moniker. To make matters worse, I actually got a cat earlier this year and I take really good care of it, so technically, I, Dan Bialek, now love at least one kitten.

Q: It's easy to be nice in interviews; with so many asses to kiss and lots of adoring fans to please. Let's do something different: What is the most unpleasant quote you can come up with?

DB: The Dalai Lama is a shit-eating cunt and anyone who tells you otherwise fingers their grandmother in the shower.

Wow, that's awful. Please don't print that.

Q: Who's the last person whom you made cry?

DB: Hmm, I don't know. I'd say my girlfriend but she's pretty cool and doesn't cry about much or very often. I sat her down earlier this week and told her the tranny blowjob story before I did it on stage for the first time or made a vlog (http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2070872260) out of it. I thought that might make her cry. But she just sat and listened and when I had finished the story she was silent for about ten seconds and then calmly said, "Boys are stupid." And that was the last we spoke of it.

Q: Where can we catch more of your work and stay updated on your career?

DB: I'm always posting new stuff and bellyaching about my life and career on my blog www.DanBialekLovesKittens.com. People can also add me as a friend on MySpace www.MySpace.com/DanBialek. I'm going to be putting together a standup tour in the coming months so if fans want me to come out to their town or college to perform they can send me a message and I'll try to make it happen.

Q: We end all interviews with word association. I say wombat and you say...

DB: That's easy, "cloaca," because wombats have them and it's a fascinating and hilarious word/orifice.